Tuesday, 29 April 2008

Working in the Garden

Babygro - Marks and Spencers
Hat - Marks and Spencers
Toy - Model's own

My Diary 4.

Many apologies for the recent hiatus - I have been extremely busy. On Sunday I tried mashed potato, mashed swede and ice-cream (mint Vienetta). I liked the mashed potato but all the others soon reappeared. I have also been fed Heinz Baby breakfast. Blech.

I have continued to investigate the round objects. Apparently they are called rusks. If sucked for long enough then they are edible although not as good as breast milk. They also have a slightly soporific effect - I have missed my 4am feed twice in the past three days.

Granny and Grandad came by for a visit yesterday. As you would expect I overwhelmed them with my charm. The also commented favourably on my hair - now in fluffy mohican mode; my strength; my smile; my standing and my general adorability. They brought me a hat. What ever happened to the extra breast for Mummy? I was not impressed by the plastic booby that Daddy tried to fob me off with last week.

I went to Baby swimming with Mummy on Monday and today went to the pool with Mummy, Daddy and sister. I have a pair of very stylish kicky legs and am getting the hang of the splashing thing.

Friday, 25 April 2008

Nappy Crime

Fwah hah hah haa. I am the great J, creator of the most fearsome nappy leak that the world has ever known. Marvel at the spread, the skilled arching of the back to allow the escape and the colour - a rather fetching yellow-green - a bit like Kryptonite for Daddies. Wonder at the wobbling and pulsating of the nappy as I am rushed to the changing mat.

The nappy change segued into an emergency bath when Mummy realised just what had gone on. I only narrowly avoided an unscheduled shampoo but my baby skills are finely honed so Mummy managed to get my vest off without further problems. I also discovered that I can still pee higher than my head.

Don't I look innocent.

Strange soggy toy

I was given a new toy yesterday. It was round, light brown in colour and went interestingly soggy when sucked. It smeared over my face and clothes in a fascinating manner. Afterwards there was a strange taste in my mouth.

I suspect that these new toys will need further investigation. I will publish my results as soon as possible.

Wednesday, 23 April 2008

My Diary 3.

Decided to take pity on my mother and go back to sleep at 7am. Cool Auntie gave me a teddy bear when I was born and Mummy put this in my cot. I knocked it over. Mummy jumped as it made a noise.

Fresh clothes today - a very stylish babygro saying Little Captain. Who says I only get clean clothes when I poo over them?

Daddy is groaning over the amount of work that he has to do so Mummy decided to take me out for a long walk. Daddy thought that this was a wonderful idea and walked with us to the swing park. I love the swings - I can go in them myself. I went on the slide too. There was a puddle at the bottom so I wasn't allowed to slide free but I prefer that to having a soggy bottom.

We walked for hours. I have grown so much that my fluffy suit doesn't fit so my legs were dangling out. Just as well we have nice weather. Arrived back, had restoring feed, nappy change and a break for some gym work. Daddy then took me out for a walk in my Maclaren. Returned, fed then helped my Mummy play Scrabble.

Books read today - "Beep, Beep, Let's Go!"; "Squirrel Nutkin",

Books chewed today - "Beep, Beep, Let's Go!"


Dribbling is one of the great skills of being a baby and I, though I say so myself, am an expert. There are many aspects to having a good drool. Firstly the consistency. I prefer a viscous mixture that gives good strong bubbles or trailing strands. Secondly the shape - I either blow bubbles or produce trailing strands. Finally a target is all important and this is frequently where inexperienced droolers fall down. Dribbling without a target results in soggy baby. This may be acceptable, or indeed the aim of the process, but books, clothes, siblings, are all good targets and can produce a very amusing reaction. Remember a good dribble will make you thirsty so demand a top up. Mmmmm, the top up. Milk time I think.

Good dribbling my colleagues in cute babyhood. Glug, glug, glug.

Tuesday, 22 April 2008

Bubble bottom

It has been a busy two days for me. Yesterday Mummy strapped me into the Seat of Doom and drove for hours to a funeral. This was fine. I was admired by all, fed twice during the service, and only complained when strapped into the Seat of Doom to return home.

Today was a more J centred day. Woke up and was fed, produced a wonderful nappy - this contained 3 days' poo and made my lower half look globular. I am now being called bubble bottom. Can't think why. Cool Auntie gave Mummy a present - some cinema vouchers - Odeon cinemas have a Newbies Screening where they turn the sound down and leave the lights up. This is a perfectly wonderful opportunity to persuade Mummy to feed you solidly for 2 1/2 hours. I filled up all 10 of my milk stomachs, topped off the posset apparatus and filled the drool tank. The cat didn't know what had hit it.

We then returned home and I ordered parents to play with me all afternoon. Knowing what is right and proper they complied.

Knackered now.......suckle, suckle, zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Sunday, 20 April 2008

My Diary 2.

Out of bed early but then went to sleep in Daddy's arms and snored. Loudly.

Mummy decided to walk to church with me in the sling and I managed to hold out until the sermon despite the second reading (1 Peter 2:2) making me very hungry. After the service I charmed a few people and ate then skilfully steered Mummy home again. This was very tiring work so I went to sleep on the way back. Mummy got us back OK; I really ought to give her more credit for knowing what she's doing.

I then napped through lunch. Thankfully it was waiting for me when I woke up. Embarked on an intensive exercise programme - stretches, crunches, gurgling, cooing and tried out my new door bouncer.

I then had a story, a few good feeds and finally asked to be put to bed.

Cave Baby's busy day

As told to Baby J by his Mummy.

Once upon a time, a very long time ago lived a baby. He, and his Mummy and Daddy, lived in a cave so he was known as Cave Baby.

One day Cave Daddy was going to go out hunting and Cave Mummy was going to go and gather some roots. It was April and wet and cold so Cave Mummy didn't fancy crawling around in the wet undergrowth trying to stalk things so she told Cave Daddy to go out and do this. Cave Baby had to decide who to go with. If he went out with Cave Daddy he would have the fun of sneaking around but no breast milk. If he went with Cave Mummy he would be able to eat although Cave Mummy did have a terrible habit of putting useful things, such as roots, into the sling along with Cave Baby. Cave Baby still chose to go out with Cave Mummy so she strapped on her sling and tucked Cave Baby in.

She set off from the cave. Trudge, trudge, trudge.
She walked through the stream. Sploosh, sploosh, sploosh.

She went into the forest to look for mushrooms. Whee! She found one and bent down to pick it up. Cave Baby nearly fell out of the sling. Cave Baby was feeling rather sling sick by the time that Cave Mummy had gathered enough mushrooms and had to be revived by a comforting feed.

Cave Mummy then decided to go into the marsh for roots and to the spruce tree for some needles to make Healthy Tea with.

She moved into the marsh. Sploosh, squelch, sploosh, squelch. Spots of mud were flying everywhere.

Cave Baby decided that now was a jolly good time to be asking to lie on his back and wave his arms and legs but Cave Mummy wouldn't put him down. He was not happy. Cave Mummy dug out some roots and put them in his sling. They were knobbly and wet. He was even less happy.

Cave Mummy started to walk out of the marsh. Sploosh, waa, squelch, sploosh, waa, squelch. Spots of mud were everywhere now.

Finally they were out of the marsh and by the pine tree. Cave Baby had a comforting suckle and then Cave Mummy picked the needles. Cave Baby was not amused - she put them in the sling and they were prickly.

Then Cave Baby steered Cave Mummy back home.

She walked through the stream. Sploosh, sploosh, sploosh.
She walked back to the cave. Trudge, trudge, trudge.

Cave Mummy took off the sling and emptied out the roots. Then she looked at Cave Baby; he was very muddy. She picked up his spare wrap and some grass for nappy lining and took him back to the stream. Trudge, trudge, trudge.

At the stream she undressed Cave Baby and put him in the water. It was very cold. Cave Mummy even washed his spare posset off. After the bath Cave Baby needed another feed. Cave Mummy dressed him in his nappy and put fresh grass into it. She put the pooey grass under a bush. It was nice to have new grass in his nappy but it was still a bit scratchy. She the put his other outfit on and took him back to the cave.

Once at the cave she put his clothes into the sun to let the mud dry and got on with preparing supper. She put the roots on to bake in the ember bit of the fire. Then Cave Daddy arrived back having caught a fine buck. Cave Mummy roasted a leg of this and served it with mushrooms. By this time Cave Baby's clothes were dry. Cave Mummy brushed the mud off and regreased the outside.

Then Cave Baby had his supper and they all went to bed.

Saturday, 19 April 2008

My diary 1.

As previously posted I had a bath today. I then went downstairs for a serious parent charming session. I mean I was freshly washed, baby lotioned, new clothes, flat hair, what parent could resist. Mine couldn't.

I spent some quality gym time then, despite the drizzle I went out for a carry in a sling. I expertly guided my Mummy down our favourite path past the horses, the rare breed sheep and the leek farm. The increasing precipitation was not entirely pleasant but the wind was worse.

On return I required a comforting feed and then had some tummy time (rats) and some bouncy harness time.

Bed at 8pm. I was knackered and almost suckled myself to sleep at 6pm but Mummy enjoys this so that was OK.

Bad hair day

I am Baby J and I'm having a bad hair day. Why? Because my mother brushed it. Four times. My quiff is destroyed.

I let her off easily today: she got to sleep through until 0545; although it then took four attempts to get me back to sleep as some of my milk stomachs were unfilled. She'd been muttering about a bath for a few days now but I didn't take her too seriously. This morning I was stripped, plucked from my nappy and taken into the bath. This was fine, I was able to practise my "kicky legs" and I managed to pee over the floor but then instead of leaving my hair to dry in a quiff she brushed it flat.

Viciously, unprovoked brushing flat.

If my profile pic seems a little smooth in the skull area I have hair, it's just flattened down.