Friday, 28 November 2008

Training Daddies

As I am sure that you are all aware Daddies need to be trained. Here I am teaching Daddy about the hiding-a-toy game. He takes a small toy, holds it in his hand, I then indicate which hand it is in.

You would not believe the number of attempts it took to train Daddy to hold it in the hand that I was about to point at.....

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

A small step for a Daddy....

Yes, my crawling comrades, I have taken a step into the world of bipedal locomotion. To be more precise I have taken three steps. I am also standing unsupported.

I have eight teeth and am making more cute noises than ever. Yes I am now 11 months old. My luxuriant locks continue to garner admiring glances and the name "Fluffbonce". Unfortunately I still need Mummy's help to unpeel the yoghurts.

Baby-lympics 3.

Here Mirror Baby and I are working on our routine. The event: Synchronised Cuteness of course.

Saturday, 25 October 2008

Baby-lympics 2.

Swimming. I was very impressed by all those swimmers at the Olympics. So brave - in the pool without their Mummies and Daddies. So fast. So streamlined - I want a swim nappy like theirs. I suspect the only way I would beat them is if the judges gave points for cute kicky-legs and faces of effort.

Monday, 20 October 2008

Baby zimmer frame

Here I am, practising for old age. This is my walking frame. It is superior to standard hospital issue because it has lights, music and, of course, it's J-sized. I feel that this is very important when looking for items to purchase. I can walk right across the sitting room although I haven't quite got the hang of steering yet. Only one small waa thus far - I was walking around it and fell. Still I had a nice comforting Mummy cuddle so not all bad. Now feeling muscles in my little leggies that I didn't know I had.

Agoo zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Sunday, 19 October 2008

Tree shaking season

Daddy and Mummy took me for a walk yesterday. We indulged in a spot of tree shaking. Unfortunately J-sized trees are hard to come by and don't tend to have many leaves in the first place but I thoroughly enjoyed having trees shaken for me.

Happily when your bottom is padded by Pamper's best bumpy paths are an occasion for merriment rather than discomfort. I knew there was a reason for nappies.


What fun it is to be a baby at a wedding. Lots of people to admire you and a lady in a white dress to pay special attention. Mummy spoilt my fun though; she kept a very careful eye on me so I wasn't able to posset all down the dress.

I also tried eating an orange. Not sure about oranges; apples are much easier to open.

Happy marriage Godmother.

Sunday, 5 October 2008


Sorry gentlebabies of the Bikkiepeg company, bikkiepegs should not be called by any name that even remotely suggests that they might contain biscuit. Having spent quite some time tasting other substances I can say that they are more like poor-quality-corrugated-cardboard-pegs. And Mummy agrees!

Friday, 19 September 2008

A slightly odd morning


Retrieved from cot before I raised my voice (I was still playing with my iguanadon).
Into parents' bed and a cuddle with both Mummy and Daddy. Mummy was playing with wrapping paper. Tried to relieve her of this responsibility. Paper subsequently removed from my mouth. Not amused. Played with envelope instead. Hang on! I recognise that foot print! It's a J print.
Mummy unwrapping items. Presents! For me? Too kind. What? For Mummy? Is that allowed? Tell you what, I'll play with the duck. It's a birthday? What's a birthday? A year old; of course I knew that. What's a year though? What an odd concept. Do I have one? What do you mean not yet? I'll stick to months then. There are more of them.

Time for a little more cuddling I think - still not feeling 100%. According to Mummy I am currently a cross between Snot Monster and Darth Baby.


Thursday, 18 September 2008


WAAAHHH! I'm bored with having a runny nose. I don't want to cough any more. Is green snot infectious - Mummy and Daddy say not, D - my Childminder says yes.

Sleeping more than normal. Watch the cuteness flow as I rub my little eyes. Still waking at 0600hrs though.

Agoo all. May your noses never get drippy.

Sunday, 14 September 2008


Having watched, with interest, the recent Olympics and Paralympics I have come to the realisation that the events are, on the whole, not designed for babies. I have had a think and have come up with a few new events that will provide more interest for all.

First up - the 10m crawl.

Saturday, 13 September 2008

Assorted burblings

Mummy - I feel that Snotster or Snot Monster as a name is so undignified. Admittedly I have been working my way through tissues at a fair rate of snots but none the less J is a much nicer name. The cuddles and sympathy, well keep those up.

I now have a big boy car seat. This faces forward: lucky Mummy can now look back and smile at me. Occasionally I reward her by smiling back. This results in slightly swerving progress and occasional honks from other cars. As long as Mummy's kept amused.

I can now pull to stand and cruise along the furniture. Mummy and a shop lady tried to force some ugly leather items onto my feet. Fat chance. Currently my toes are unconfined and comfortingly chewable.

Strangely enough, when Mummy took my rainmaker toy away the weather improved. Sorry everyone.

Saturday, 23 August 2008

Important Safety Notice

When pulling to stand, as I'm sure all of you are about to do, it is very important not to take both hands off the chair to wave in celebration.

Thankfully my nappy cushioned my bottom. I wonder if Mummy could be persuaded into giving me a head nappy.

Sunday, 10 August 2008

My Diary 14.

Today I have been a transported baby. Daddy took me to the previously mentioned car boot sale where I received several new toys including a xylophone. Next I played with Mummy before travelling to church in my bicycle seat. Daddy didn't pedal hard enough so I had to kick him in the back. Fwah hah hah. My friend T was in church so we played together. Most unfairly I had the seat side of the pew so he had it much easier when it came to dropping toys and making a noise. Eventually I persuaded Mummy to take me to drive the Church Ferrari. One choc chip biscuit and lots of admiration later it was back into the bike seat and zoming home. I passed T being wheeled home in his buggy and gave him a lordly wobble of the head.

All that fresh air made me tired so I napped till lunch (fruit cocktail and a yoghurt) then embarked on a strenuous play session with Mummy and Daddy. Wore Mummy out so went for a buggy ride to the park. Played on the swings then droped off on the way home.

Not sure what's going to happen about bedtime yet. Surely they can't be thinking of cancelling my breast privileges altogether. No. That would never happen.

In summary: today I've ridden in a car, a cute car, on a bike and in my buggy. A wheely good day so far. (That, fellow babies, is called a pun.)

Car Boot Sales

Ah yes, car boot sales. A thoroughly enjoyable pastime. Essentially, fellow babies, one is driven along in one's buggy while either side of you people compete to offer you toys and other interesting things to chew. One graciously accepts some choice items and one's Daddy rewards them with small tokens of appreciation. Mind you, they can be absolutely exhausting.

Saturday, 9 August 2008

My Diary 13.

Mummy milk supply has been cut off. Why? I don't know. 36 hours now and counting.


Wednesday, 6 August 2008

Scientific Investigations Ongoing

The Photo is of me driving the boat. We have just overtaken Big Sis and her friend

Currently I am investigating several very important aspects of life. Firstly come buttons. These are the round things on the front of the shirts that Mummy wears. Once my insistent instructions register with her she performs a complicated operation that eventually results in the milk bar being opened for business. I am sure that with some practise I too will be able to operate them. Mmmmmm.

Secondly is my tooth brush. I now have 5 teeth with 1 more well on the way. I have a most toothy grin. I can select my toothbrush from the tooth brush holder, Mummy or Daddy applies the toothpaste then I place it in my mouth, brush end first and then I get stuck. Mummy or Daddy has to take over which results in a small waah. Must try harder.

Thirdly is where Mummy goes during the day. When I have a nap nobody can find me; therefore what Mummy calls work is actually a very long nap. A Mummy Nap. Plan - find where she is napping and drool on her till she wakes up.

Agoo all.

Tuesday, 5 August 2008

Weekend high jinks

Last Sunday I magnanimously decided to take Mummy, Daddy and Big Sis to Legoland. I was unimpressed by the height restrictions on the rides. I felt that asking about height was very non-J-centric. Unless you are talking about sitting I still only have length. I wasn't allowed on the helicopter ride. Pshaw. I've been in a helicopter before. I was able to go on the carousel and on various boat trips. I drove the boat so well that we did a 360 degree turn!

Isn't this a nice J tribute. They've caught the head fluff particularly well.

Saturday, 2 August 2008


My Dear Fellow Babies,

I would like to apologise for the more infrequent postings recently. Mummy has started going to something called "work"; I have to organise Daddy and so I no longer have time to pose for cute photos and to give the lengthy dissertations which are the heart of this blog. This is not helped by the fact that Daddy does not understand plain Baby. I say Abooogogogooo and am presented with a biscuit. Abooogogogooo means milk, Daddy. Not biscuit - that's Aboogogoooobo [furrowed brows]. I'm working on his understanding but it's a slow process. These men just aren't as intelligent as Mummies.

Tuesday, 15 July 2008

A weekend meeting

Some excitement last Saturday. We went to a gathering - O fortunate people to be related to a J. Lots of cousins, the WGAs * were out in force and at the end, happiness, Wise Granny arrived. There was a buffet - lovely chewy bread, salmon, dips, carrots, strawberries and more. I tried to teeth on a stick of celery but that blasted front tooth still won't pop out.

A pleasant way to spend a day.

* WGA - Wonderful Great Aunts

Sunday, 13 July 2008

Driving along in my automobile

Look parents. Last weekend I test drove a Ferrari. A Ferrari. What is this? I mean yes, it's a convertible, but really....

Oh, it enhances my cute, does it? If I was any more cute there would be puddles of cute all over the floor. Look, like that one!

Oh, it's sick, is it? Sorry, but sometimes when I scrunch up it just happens. It wipes up easily doesn't it?

Actually it's quite comfortable. It handles nicely and, more importantly it chews well. Lets chase the mobile teddy and then go to the park.

I don't need a nap first, no really, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Friday, 11 July 2008

A baby and a balloon

Happiness is hitting Mummy with a balloon. What a pleasant bonk bonk noise it makes.

Daddy and I had yet another Father-Son day today. We hit the toy shop (John Lewis). We looked at new (bigger) Chairs of Doom and I bought some new toys. We then went to a shop where I received a free balloon. Of course this was preferable to bought toys.

We also went through the cupboard and removed my 6-9 month clothes. My 6-9 month Baby vests have begun to burst asunder. Clothes Sellers - why aren't clothes sold in correct J sizes? As the most important Baby I demand correctly labelled clothes. Onto the 9-12 month Baby vests. Agoo.

I am also working on a tooth or two. Can one become addicted to Calpol? I hope not. Mine's a pint thank you.

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

Strange happenings

Got a good handful of fur on the mobile teddy today. It zoomed off then stopped and looked at me in an affronted fashion.

Things are strange at the moment. Mummy gives me first breakfast but then goes and hides until it is time for me to start going to bed. Not sure what's going on here.

On a happier note this is me on holiday. I am just having a little arm-and-leg-wave in a meadow in Spain. I have just had a lovely carry in Mummy's arms through a forest and am relaxing. Imagine that in the background Big Sis is squawking about cold water; her voice mingling with the roar of a waterfall (for untravelled babies: this is like a shower only bigger). There is a pleasant smell in the air. No wonder I'm smiling.

Sunday, 6 July 2008

Barbecues and a new diet

MMMmmmm. Today Mummy and Daddy had people over for a barbecue. Mummy prepared a bowl of gourmet snacks for me. I ate tomato, melon, banana, biscotti and a yoghurt washed down with finest baby juice. Mummy assures me that it is not made from babies. I was held and admired by all. Lots of bouncing and talking and once the extra people had gone I made some real progress with raising my tummy off the floor. Goodbye Tummy pivot and rolling, hello, well I'm not sure really but we'll soon find out.
Agoo all.


Woke up this morning at 6:30. Mummy came and fed me and then I laid in her arms exploring her hair and making little noises of curiosity and satisfaction. I kicked my legs and waved my arms. I smiled at Mummy. Can it get any better than this?

Saturday, 5 July 2008

I want to ride my bicycle

Happy half birthday me!

For my half birthday I got a funky new hat and a new chair of doom. This attaches onto either Mummy or Daddy's bicycle (not both at the same time), I am viciously strapped in and then they pedal and I can enjoy the wind in my face. If they slow I can either kick or prod them in the back. The hat is to protect my head when I fall asleep. Happily the thud thud noise that it makes doesn't wake me up.

This is fun.

Jenga is not a good game for babies

A day of much exercise today - sitting practise, door bouncer, bike rides (with Daddy and Mummy). Meals - mostly baby glop but some yoghurts sneaked their way in and I enjoyed some biscotti.

Found set of new toys - they are called bricks. The idea is parents build a tower for you and you knock it down. The new bricks are also suckable. I think I like them.

Friday, 4 July 2008

I'm back

Back from holiday but Mummy has mislaid the camera so now new cute photos yet.

Mummy and Daddy have bought me a bike seat and helmet. Not sure about the chin strap - they say it fastens under the chin. I say "Which one?".

More tales of my holiday exploits to come. I can now be admired in several languages!

Friday, 13 June 2008

Exciting happenings

I have been a busy baby again.

I have been down to London to meet up with Dr Cool Auntie. We went round the British Museum. I appreciated the Enlightenment Exhibition due to the buggy eye-level displays but was sadly disappointed by the Egyptian rooms. I was promised Mummies. There weren't any Mummies just lots of boxes. Humph.

I enjoyed my first ride on the Tube - there were lots of helpful people when it came to the stairs.

I have been eating lumpy food - Cow & Gate Penne Napoletiana and have also found some savoury ones that I can tolerate, also mainly Cow & Gate.

I went to a wedding - it was a Hindu Wedding. I met several other babies and impressed with my impeccable behaviour. Sadly Mummy packed Green Baby food. J food should not be Green Mummy - she had to do an emergency run to find some more palatable options.

I wowed grandparents again. I do enjoy seeing the joy on their faces as they behold the J. I also impressed my great-grandparents. Grinning at people is such fun.

Fellow Babies, I have discovered an important anatomical fact. In addition to multiple milk stomachs I also have a solids stomach which now needs regular filling. Strange yet wonderful.

The best caption for this photo wins a free smile.

Tuesday, 10 June 2008

A big congratulatory Agoo

Big agoos to Cool Auntie and her university friends - they are now doctors. Cool Auntie is now officially known as Dr Cool Auntie. When I grow up I want to be.................................................. taller and able to walk and open the fridge.

Saturday, 31 May 2008

First ride

Did I tell you that I went on a carousel. What revolving cuteness!

Onlookers gathered and waved. I just rode onwards and roundwards.

Arrival in Plymouth

After the race I was loaded into the Seat of Doom and driven down to Plymouth. On arrival at our guest house I was horrified to see that we were all in the same room. How was I going to sleep through the night? (Mother's note: he didn't)

Decided to take the racing buggy out and so gently proceeded along the cliff of Plymouth Hoe in search of a restaurant to refuel parents and Big Sis. We ended up eating at the Barbican. I say "We" because although I had already had a half pot of baby food the restaurant had a "High Chair".

"What is a "High Chair"?" I hear you ask. It is a brilliant concept, Obviously invented by some unsung be-nappied genius: you sit in it at the level of the table and are fed adult food. I ate monkfish with chilli and ginger, marinated lamb and garlic bread. Yum.

Friday, 30 May 2008


Last Sunday I entered a race - agoo.

It was drizzling - aboo.

It was advertised as a 10K race - agoo.

I ended up doing the 500m race - aboo.

I was the youngest in the race - agoo.

I had to wear a hat - aboo.

Mummy did the running - agoo.

We came last - aboo.

I got a medal anyway - Agoo.

Next year I'm going to make sure that Mummy trains more.


My apologies for the gap in posting - I have been a busy baby. No new teeth yet though. I will update you all on my adventures in a series of posts.

Happy Birthday to Wise Granny.

Saturday, 24 May 2008

Mmmm Sipping Chocolate

Took parents to Salisbury and drove Mummy round the cathedral while Daddy went to the cafe to write. Explored the acoustic properties - my waahs sounded both wonderful and very loud. Looked at some tombs and effigies but found the leaflet more interesting or at least more tasty.

Daddy took us to a cafe where they served sipping chocolate. MMMMMMmmmmm and a bonus - a brown moustache for later delectation. Mummy didn't have her camera so no record (phew). Home and a trial of spinach, potato and parsnip - I would eat this if really hungry, otherwise no - washed down with yoghurt. I then had some blended pasta - just what Mummy and Daddy had been eating only chopped up. I was full so didn't eat much. Early night but then woke needing Calpol and topical whisky.

Today I took Mummy to a fete. She ate a cupcake with me in my sling. I was not amused by the appearance of cake-crumb-dandruff. I ate penne pasta with tomato and courgette then yoghurt. I suspect that I have 2 sweet teeth as I prefer yoghurt and now rather enjoy Calpol. Bath, mixture of yoghurt and tomato removed from neck crease. Big Sis bounced for me this evening - it is such fun watching other people bounce up and down. I was in stitches. Tried some tinned pear - sweet so enjoyable even if also lumpy.


Thursday, 22 May 2008

Anonymous giggling

Apologies to anyone who has found a brief giggle on their answer-phone. It was Mummy and Daddy phoning people up and then tickling me.

Daddy got me out of bed today - straight to Baby Breakfast as second breakfast not third breakfast. I went out with Mummy so had to survive on breast milk. On return I tried potato, parsnip and cauliflowers. Proceed direct to blup, do not pass taste buds. Daddy tried it and though that it tasted like Brussels sprouts. Don't think that I want to try them then. Ate two yoghurts to try to wash the taste out of my mouth then a couple of Wotsits. Finished with some Baby Apple Juice from my Trainer Cup.

Spent time in my door bouncer. The dangling band was at just the right length so I could bounce myself, spin round etc. Cue gurgles of joy as I exchanged happy noises with Mummy.

Exhausted myself so early bed. Agoo all.

Wednesday, 21 May 2008

A glorious triple.

Daddy feeds J the Jamaica Ginger Cake. He eats. He drools! All down Mummy's wrist, under the watch strap, under the cuff. What a wonderful result! Baby 1, Mother nil.

Mummy has J in the Flying Baby hold. What's this? A surreptitious drool. Straight onto the front! Look at that soggy patch. Baby 2, Mother nil.

Mummy holding J while he watches the Scrabble game. Her attention momentarily diverted; he possets. Look at the white patch. What fun. Baby 3, Mother nil.

Mummy takes J upstairs and loads him into his grobag. Sleep stopped play. ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz.

Returning after a short nap

My apologies infant comrades but not only have I been a very busy J but my internet access has been down.

A bullet point update:

Friday - relatively standard day - woke, ate, exuded cuteness, tried to chew Mummy. Food - Baby cereal, Baby rice (blair, yuck), pasta, tomato and ham (good for dyeing bib, clothes etc.) and strawberry and banana whip (yoghurt) - not convinced by this.

Saturday - emergency mission of mercy up to Grand parents. Baby of Morale required urgently. On arrival went straight into action reminding Cool Auntie and Wise Granny how much they enjoyed seeing me. They marvelled at my rolling - I showed them exactly how to do it then went on to demonstrate preliminary sitting. Eventually they peeled themselves away and went off to pick up Granddad and to do some shopping. I am now the proud owner of a cow cup. They also bought two new food stuffs - yoghurt and Jamaica Ginger Cake. Cool Auntie tried feeding me yoghurt. As you can see this was not a total success. Daddy gave me cake - mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Sunday - back into routine - walked Mummy to church. Four foot wooden baby nowhere in sight; scared off. Admired by congregation then walked Mummy home. Daddy took me out for a walk and a go on the swings.

Monday - Early to rise means that a J can fit in an extra breakfast (time for Op WALLPAPER PASTE again). Baby swimming then took Mummy shopping. Decided halfway round Asda that I was not happy at all. Had to feed in car before the drive home. Ate apricot and apple and strawberry puree and inexpertly mashed butternut squash.

Tuesday - Teething again. Waaah. Took Mummy to the Babies and Mothers morning then on to a hospital appointment. Since it was for her I graciously slept through it. To pool, met with Big Sis and Daddy and enjoyed being taken for a zoom. Home, must let Daddy pick the menu more often - Pear Surprise and Jamaica Ginger Cake for supper. Wow. So full that didn't want much mashed potato. Bed, woke at midnight for reassuring feed then back to sleep again, secure in the knowledge of a job well done.

Thursday, 15 May 2008

My Diary 13.

Agoo fellow babies. What time is it? Not 2:30 any more! My second tooth is through and I didn't need either calpol or whisky today.

Wise Granny bought Mummy sweet potatoes and Daddy cooked and mashed one for me. I quite enjoyed it even if the texture is a bit more lumpy than I am used to. Still the Pear Surprise washed it down nicely. Today I also had a double helping of Baby Cereal for breakfast and half a banana for lunch. I also averted a major disaster - Mummy's breast was so full it practically exploded and took some concentrated suckling. Brave Baby J hey?

We attended Baby Rhyme and visited the shopping centre. Yesterday we went for a walk across the golf course. I was nearly tipped out going over a bridge and had to go for a two-wheeled-drag to cross a field. I spent most of the journey with my hat pulled over my eyes trying not to look where Mummy was taking me. In the evening I took on my Baby of Luck role and attended the Games Club. Mummy won. I ate some more cereal, and cracked open pots of Pear Surprise and Sweet Potato and Chicken.

Talking of statistics I am now 69 1/2cm tall (long?) and 7.6kg. I also have a stats counter so please tell your friends. Agaa.

Baby Rhyme Time

Every other Thursday I don't complain about being loaded into the Seat of Doom. Why? It's Baby Rhyme Time at the library. There are dozens of mothers, a scattering of fathers and each hold a baby. A whole flock of buggies take up the Children's Reference Section. Looking at the high end buggies makes me envious but this unworthy emotion is soon submerged in the euphoria of being part of a synchronised baby lifting team. Dozens of babies soar skywards then gracefully move downwards to the tune of "The Grand Old Duke of York". A brief sit for "Row Row Row Your Boat" (all four verses) then the excitement of "A Dingle-Dangle Scarecrow".

Some babies disgrace themselves by breaking into noisy and unmelodious screaming but I behave impeccably. I merely gurgle with enjoyment at appropriate points. Mummy isn't bad at singing the songs either. Several of us finish the session by having a restorative suckle and I enjoy the camaraderie of this too.

Tuesday, 13 May 2008

My Diary 12.

I promise to cut the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth. Except Mummy's finger which I borrowed to chew on.

Yes, fellow babies, I will soon be joining you in the glorious world of teeth rather than tooth ownership. Already I have trained my parents to brush my gums and today a second tooth was noted. I have had two doses of Calpol today and some more whisky. I think I prefer whisky to Calpol (hic).

Breakfast today was Baby cereal and milk. Lunch - milk. Supper - Rusk, HIPP pasta with tomato and ham sauce (another yummy thing) and milk. And Calpol.

We visited the misnamed Mother and Baby Coffee Morning where my skilful roll gained a round of applause. I also managed to get my toes into my mouth. I think that with a little organisation we can take over the world or at least the village.

I spent some quality time at the post office. Smiled at the shop lady and the post office lady. Made their day (again). Mummy posted off my 0-3 month babygros to another needy baby. Poor chap, imagine having to be a nudey baby all the time; not just for a carefully selected portion of the afternoon. (I spent some time on Sunday rolling on a blanket outside in the garden; nappy off!).

Quality bouncer time and gym time but also enjoyed lying on Mummy's lap playing "Graaah! Ravenous Beastie", "Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" and being eaten.

Daddy took me for a walk when he came home. We went to the path and played on the swings and then I indulged in a little "Rising Son" as he helped me to peep over gates and round walls to delight Mummy. She was not amused, however, when he put me on top of the hedge even if I didn't drop down into it.

Goodnight bi-dentate comrades.

Monday, 12 May 2008

My Diary 12.

Following on rather rapidly from my previous entry which itself was slightly out of sequence because my tooth was clearly an extremely important event this is my diary to date.

Sunday. Church day. A day when a baby can count on a nice long suckle through the sermon; and occasionally through the peace and the creed as well. Wrong. Today Mummy did not sit with Daddy. Instead she was up front with a four foot long wooden baby called a bassoon. Priorities Mummy, priorities please. Fed after the service instead.

Drove my pushchair to and from the service accompanied by Daddy. I like my Maclaren. Lewis Hamilton watch out.

Ate a rusk, some baby cereal and had my tooth brushed for the first time. What fun!

Today I ate some Sunshine Baby cereal for breakfast and followed this with HIPP Pear Surprise. Another Granny discovery and equally delicious. Thank you. Then Baby swimming, a long feed and a shopping trip. I find that my baby carrier makes the trip feel far more civilised than when Mummy uses a trolley with "baby carrier". I am not a generic baby. I am J and therefore I am important. Also without me steering Mummy takes far too long.

Home. Mummy tried to tidy up. I delayed her fwahhah hah haha revenge for the shopping trip. Mummy's godmother and her mother came to meet me. I smiled at them and enjoyed bouncing on their knees but unfortunately I was too tired to be my normal enchanting self. Ate half rusk. Took nap. Bouncier after.

Supper - finished pot of pear surprise. Tried mashed New Potato. Not impressed although rather filled by pear surprise. Delivered Christian Aid leaflets then went to park. Back home, Daddy brushed my tooth then a suckle and sleep.

Good night fellow babies. Remember 1 am and 4am are for feeding not sleeping.

My Diary 11.

Apologies for the gap in postings - I took Mummy up to Granny and Granddad's on Friday and this tired us out.

I have met lots of new people. On Friday I visited C who works with Granny and very kindly lent us all sorts of equipment including the Chair of Doom. I gave her a special smile. I met Mummy's old childminder who was very nice when I wrote off her fruit bowl by tugging on a banana. I met Cool Aunty's godparents and had some lovely long cuddles. They had very kindly laid on a small child who, by bouncing up and down, had me in fits of laughter. Arrived to find that Granny had laid in some new baby food. I started with a rusk then tried HIPP sweet potato and chicken - average rating and HIPP mango surprise. Mummy says that she suspects that the surprise was that it was mildly alcoholic.

I was late to bed and couldn't even wake up for Granddad. The next morning I woke Mummy up early so I could say hello to him before he went to work. Granny made Mummy feed me some real mango. The first one that I tried didn't quite hit the spot but the second one was sweeter and went down nicely. I then followed this with some more sweet potato and chicken. After I had finished eating Mummy dressed me. She is learning. Slowly, it must be admitted, but learning nonetheless.

We then went on to Mummy's school reunion where I was much admired and photographed. We toured her school. While I was chewing on Mummy's hand she noticed a scratching and thus discovered my new tooth. We went to say goodbye to Granny; to gather my belongings and then it was into the Chair of Doom and back home.

Cardinal Fang

I am feeling rather pleased with myself. I have cut a tooth and had my first taste of whiskey. The tooth came through on Saturday but on Saturday night it was so sore that I had to do proper crying to let my parents know how much it hurt.

Daddy provided first aid - he poured a glass of whiskey and then dipped a finger in the whiskey and smeared it on my poor hurty gums. He then added some calpol. I swallowed some and distributed the rest around my mouth and all down my clothes. Mummy drank the rest of the whiskey. Hold on Mummy, that's my medicine not yours!

After about 15 minutes hard crying in solitary confinement Mummy returned to me and I suckled breaking off occasionally to let her know how much pain I was in. She then laid me down again and with the whiskey kicking in added to the calpol and a full stomach I drifted off to sleep.

Apparently I have 23 more teeth to cut in my milk set alone. Waaaaaaaaaah!

Thursday, 8 May 2008

Dribbling 2 - refinements

Fellow babies. I have the pleasure to present two ways to extend your drooling repertoire.

1. Colourful drool. (only available to those being fed solids). I have discovered that if you hold a small amount of baby glop, or indeed a portion of the ever versatile rusk, then when you dribble it comes out as a coloured liquid. Instantly see where your drool is going! Extend your artistic range and marvel at the permanence of this technique.

2. Projectile drool. Simple yet effective: insert your fist in your mouth, feel free to have a comforting suck, then generate some drool and remove your fist. The trick is in the flick of the fist as you take it out of your mouth. Practice. The worst that can happen is that you have an enjoyable suck of a paw and then have to feed sooner. Once mastered this technique can snare even the most wary parent.

Have fun. Try combining the two. Best wishes my comrades in nappy wearing.

Wednesday, 7 May 2008

Cave Baby's Favourite Thing

Cave Baby had several thing to play with. There were Cave Daddy, Cave Daddy's tools, Cave Mummy, Cave Mummy's hair and anything that Cave Mummy was particularly trying to work on. Cave Baby also had several things that were intended for Cave Baby to play with. There was a rabbit skin stuffed with dry grass, some dangly wooden beads and, most importantly, Cave Baby's Favourite Thing.

Cave Baby's Favourite Thing had been made by Cave Daddy. It was very similar to one that Cave Daddy's Cave Daddy had made for him. It was made from several slices of an auroch horn that Cave Daddy had traded from a far off family. It had taken Cave Daddy a very long time to chip out the rings and smooth them with a piece of sandstone so that they would be safe to chew on. The rings were threaded onto a broken ring that had been the first ring that Cave Daddy had chipped out. Although Cave Daddy had used words that Cave Baby had never heard before when the ring broke he now explained that he had meant to do that all along.

Cave Baby's Favourite Thing rattled when shaken and was wonderful to chew on. Whenever he threw it to the ground it would be picked up and returned to him. Although Cave Baby sometimes preferred to chew on other things such as Cave Mummy's digging stick he was always pleased to play with his Favourite Thing. Cave Baby thought that Cave Daddy had done a very clever thing when he made it.

My Diary 10.

With the sunnier weather I persuade Mummy to dress me in short sleeved baby gro so I could display even more cuteness to the world. Managed some long drinks to keep me well hydrated.

Still working hard on my rolling - can almost reliably turn from back to front but seem to get stuck there. In pursuit of a fine level of baby fitness I spent so much time in my door bouncer that I became tired and hungry and needed a comforting cuddle, suckle and nap. Supervised Mummy tidying up; I have a V shaped pillow that props me up nicely.

Starving today. Ate 1/2 pot of beef hotpot followed by a rusk followed by some milk.
Mmmmm. Baby sunshine cereal. I liked this straight off and ate all of it and asked for more. This was not forthcoming so I made do with milk.

Mummy and Daddy, obviously.
After going for a walk I smiled at the Shop Lady. She does so appreciate my visits. I stand on the counter and grin. Sometimes I chuckle. It is so enjoyable doing things for the community.
I also smiled at everyone who came over to play Scrabble. I suspect this made their night.

A routine yet satisfying day. Agooo everyone.

Tuesday, 6 May 2008

My Diary 9.

Another day of enchanting cooing, gurgling and laughing. Another day of displaying my amazing physical prowess. Sometimes I really, really impress myself.

Went to "Mother and Baby Coffee Morning". Personally I think that this should be renamed "Baby and Milk Mother Morning" putting things in order of importance but I suppose this would probably confuse Mummy. Showed off my rolling - 50% of the time I can go from back to front. The other 50% of the time I get my arm stuck under me and end up slowly revolving while emitting little cries of effort.

Went swimming with Mummy then Daddy and Big Sis Joined me. Swam under water a lot. Discovered a problem with my Happy Nappy - when combined with the patent method of solo floating (foam tube under shoulder-blades) and kicky legs the buoyancy pushes my face underwater. Still was rescued and comforted so not all bad.

Took Mummy shopping - she bought me more rusks and nice baby food. She also bought some plastic nipples. I told you Mummy; I don't want anything to do with the plastic breast. She also bought some Baby Rice and Baby Juice. Why does everything I eat other than milk have Baby in front of it's name. Am I a cannibal? How do they make juice out of babies?

Finished day with 1/2 banana, 1 rusk and a nice long suckle.

Monday, 5 May 2008

My Diary 8.

Baby swimming today - I am getting the hang of the reaching forwards with the arms and was complimented on my "swimming" through the underwater hoop. This actually involves a firm push to the rear end but none the less the instructress complimented me on my swimming. Does this bode well for future careers I ask myself.

Knackered. Fed in changing room then slept in car. Woke up in sitting room.

Mummy, Daddy and I then went to a fete. The sun was shining and I was in my baby sling and wearing a jacket (I have finally grown out of my fluffy suits). I grew quite hot and was relieved when I was taken into the park for a sit down (stand up in my case). I noticed that a shape sorter was purchased for me. This rattles in an interesting way but is rather hard to suck.

In the afternoon I did some serious squirming and almost rolling onto my front. This exhausted me so I needed a restorative feed and power nap. I then woke up feeling cuter than ever.

More gym work - my arm keeps on getting stuck under me - then time for dinner. Starting to feel like the "Very Hungry Caterpillar". I ate a whole rusk, some avocado (not impressed by avocado) and finished the pot of Heinz Strawberry, peach and cream dessert. I washed down this impressive banquet with two breasts full of milk. Following this I produced my first post solids nappy. One face wash and complete change of clothes later it was time for bed.

Sleep well fellow babies.


Though I say it myself I looked extremely cute. I was standing on Mummy's knees; beautifully balanced I was almost holding myself up. I was certainly only requiring minimal support. The late afternoon sun hit my right cheek lighting up my hair 'til it looked like spun gold. My eyes shone deep sapphire, my smile was so wide that my face almost looked rectangular.

Then I just had to posset.

In a projectile manner.

Sorry Mummy.

Sunday, 4 May 2008

My Diary 7.

Breakfasted on a banana and plenty of milk. Church this morning. Held out until the sermon but then needed to feed all through the peace. Such is life. Coffee and admiration afterwards then I was brutally changed into a Mickey Mouse outfit - dungarees and a top and hurried into the chair of doom and driven off to catch a boat.

Met up with Cool Auntie and permitted her to hold and talk to me. After the boat ride we took the train then walked up to Great Aunt's house. More people to play with me. The party was for my Great Granddad; I had carefully drooled on a card for him earlier this week. I was rather upset when everybody shouted "Surprise" and let off party poppers but Mummy hugged me back to happy again. I had a good chat with Great Granddad and was hugged by Great Grandma and my Godmother plus sundry other relations.

All too soon it was time to return to the boat - I slept on the train this time. I protested being stuck in my car seat but to no avail and eventually gave up in disgust and went to sleep.

I was woken by Mummy and fed a rusk - it is more fun when they are halved as they are then easier to eat - and some more Peach, Strawberry and Cream baby food. A final suckle then off to bed. Another busy day.

Weaning Tactics

Fellow babies. As you are no doubt aware there comes a time when parents are no longer happy just to offer "the white stuff". They start to try to vary your diet, to offer things to put into your mouth and swallow. If taken to the absurd conclusion this might lead to you not requiring milk at all. Of course this is unlikely to happen to any reasonably strong-minded baby but the possibility is there. This substitution, this adulteration is called weaning and it must be stopped.

"But how?" I hear you cry. My dear comrades in nappy wearing I give to you Weaning Tactics 101.

I have obtained a top secret Adult tactics manual - Baby Taming by Peter Mayle. In it he describes several effective resistance methods. Obtain a copy of this, read, learn and inwardly digest.

I have developed a further method; I call it "Seemingly Helpful". Take control of the spoon and wave it close to your face. Firstly this prevents further recharging of the spoon. It also prevents transfer of ejected food from your outside - where it should be - to your mouth - where it shouldn't be. If done cutely enough your parents will be willing to play along. This method can be extended, literally, in what I call "Flicking Food". Again take control of the spoon. This time make sure that you have some food in the bowl, catch it in your mouth briefly then let go. Voila! Projectile baby mush.

Try these - resistance is not futile.

Good suckling fellow babies.

Saturday, 3 May 2008

Meet Cave Baby

I apologise for publishing this out of sequence - but you just can't get the staff nowadays.

Once upon a time, a long time ago, lived a baby. He and his Cave Mummy and Cave Daddy lived in a cave so he was called Cave Baby.

Cave Baby did all the things that now babies do. He gooed, laughed, played, ate and pooed. When he was a very little baby he had lovely soft rabbit fur lining for his leather outer nappy. As he grew bigger though Cave Mummy ran out of rabbit fur linings and he had to have dry grass instead. Cave Baby was not amused by this - dry grass was all scratchy on his bottom. Cave Daddy was also not amused by this - Cave Baby's dried grass seemed to get everywhere and although the only dry grass to make its way into his bed roll was clean; he pointed out to Cave Mummy that the next grass to end up there could be grotty used dry grass. Cave Mummy pointed out to Cave Daddy that Cave Baby was growing so fast that it was all she could do to keep him nicely clothed and the grotty grass went straight onto the fire anyway.

Cave Baby was growing so fast that Cave Mummy had to add extra length onto his sleeves and trousers. By the time that he was three months old she had done this several times and so Cave Baby had a ring effect on his sleeves. Cave Baby thought that this looked rather good although this didn't stop him possetting all down his front at least once a week.

Whenever Cave Baby had particularly bad nappy leak Cave Mummy would have to change his clothes. His best set would come off and he would be confined to bag in a shapeless leather sack - his second best clothes - until his other set was clean again. Cave Baby was born in winter and so he couldn't be left in the Sun to play as often there wasn't any. Cave Baby felt that he could quite well be tucked into Cave Mummy's top next to a breast but Cave Mummy disagreed as when Cave Baby was tucked in next to a breast she would have to use one arm to support him and this made doing other things quite difficult. Cave Baby disagreed but Cave Mummy said that she had the casting vote and where would Cave Baby poo if she couldn't go and gather dried grass for his nappy. Cave Baby suggested in Cave Daddy's bed roll but Cave Mummy said no dried grass was better.

Cave Baby's favourite pastime was feeding. He liked right breast milk and left breast milk but his favourite feed of all was mixing both breast milks. Sometimes he drank so much that he had to posset a bit up.

Cave Baby and Cave Mummy and Cave Daddy all loved one another very much and had lots of adventures that I'll tell you all about some other time.

My Diary 6.

Another day spreading cuteness.

Pleasant walk in the morning with a chance to zoom down a slide and go on a swing.

Mummy and Daddy thought that there was a barbecue on at their friends'. Fine by me as they do a very nice line in J adoration. There was a BBQ but not today - it's tomorrow. We stayed for tea and I admired the trampoline. Watching small children bounce on it.... hilarious. Mummy wouldn't let me have a go so I persuaded Daddy to throw me up in the air instead.

I then went for a carry along the beech I am told - I slept through this. All that laughing tired me out.

We then went to visit my Godfather. He is funny as well. He has an accent that is called "Scottish" apparently. I had some quality cuddles, tickles and conversations. I also practised my rolling. At the moment I can almost roll onto my side but my arm gets stuck. Cue a lot of swearing (in baby).

Home - rusk and a trial of a new baby food - strawberry and apple dessert - not too bad but I prefer milk. Glug, glug, glug. Milky good night.

Friday, 2 May 2008

My Diary 5.

Solid progress
Oof, stuffed baby. I ate almost all of one rusk, 1/3 of a banana and some mashed potato and topped this off with some breast milk. My little tummy feels pleasantly full.

People Pleasing
Always charm the returning officer. I was disappointed though that the "unlimited breast milk for babies party" wasn't represented.
I have been with Mummy to her dentist where I was complimented on my gummy grin.

Other activities
I have been getting through outfits at a rapid pace - rusks are great for this.
The GP reckons my cough could last for the next 5 weeks. Bother.

Tuesday, 29 April 2008

Working in the Garden

Babygro - Marks and Spencers
Hat - Marks and Spencers
Toy - Model's own

My Diary 4.

Many apologies for the recent hiatus - I have been extremely busy. On Sunday I tried mashed potato, mashed swede and ice-cream (mint Vienetta). I liked the mashed potato but all the others soon reappeared. I have also been fed Heinz Baby breakfast. Blech.

I have continued to investigate the round objects. Apparently they are called rusks. If sucked for long enough then they are edible although not as good as breast milk. They also have a slightly soporific effect - I have missed my 4am feed twice in the past three days.

Granny and Grandad came by for a visit yesterday. As you would expect I overwhelmed them with my charm. The also commented favourably on my hair - now in fluffy mohican mode; my strength; my smile; my standing and my general adorability. They brought me a hat. What ever happened to the extra breast for Mummy? I was not impressed by the plastic booby that Daddy tried to fob me off with last week.

I went to Baby swimming with Mummy on Monday and today went to the pool with Mummy, Daddy and sister. I have a pair of very stylish kicky legs and am getting the hang of the splashing thing.

Friday, 25 April 2008

Nappy Crime

Fwah hah hah haa. I am the great J, creator of the most fearsome nappy leak that the world has ever known. Marvel at the spread, the skilled arching of the back to allow the escape and the colour - a rather fetching yellow-green - a bit like Kryptonite for Daddies. Wonder at the wobbling and pulsating of the nappy as I am rushed to the changing mat.

The nappy change segued into an emergency bath when Mummy realised just what had gone on. I only narrowly avoided an unscheduled shampoo but my baby skills are finely honed so Mummy managed to get my vest off without further problems. I also discovered that I can still pee higher than my head.

Don't I look innocent.

Strange soggy toy

I was given a new toy yesterday. It was round, light brown in colour and went interestingly soggy when sucked. It smeared over my face and clothes in a fascinating manner. Afterwards there was a strange taste in my mouth.

I suspect that these new toys will need further investigation. I will publish my results as soon as possible.

Wednesday, 23 April 2008

My Diary 3.

Decided to take pity on my mother and go back to sleep at 7am. Cool Auntie gave me a teddy bear when I was born and Mummy put this in my cot. I knocked it over. Mummy jumped as it made a noise.

Fresh clothes today - a very stylish babygro saying Little Captain. Who says I only get clean clothes when I poo over them?

Daddy is groaning over the amount of work that he has to do so Mummy decided to take me out for a long walk. Daddy thought that this was a wonderful idea and walked with us to the swing park. I love the swings - I can go in them myself. I went on the slide too. There was a puddle at the bottom so I wasn't allowed to slide free but I prefer that to having a soggy bottom.

We walked for hours. I have grown so much that my fluffy suit doesn't fit so my legs were dangling out. Just as well we have nice weather. Arrived back, had restoring feed, nappy change and a break for some gym work. Daddy then took me out for a walk in my Maclaren. Returned, fed then helped my Mummy play Scrabble.

Books read today - "Beep, Beep, Let's Go!"; "Squirrel Nutkin",

Books chewed today - "Beep, Beep, Let's Go!"


Dribbling is one of the great skills of being a baby and I, though I say so myself, am an expert. There are many aspects to having a good drool. Firstly the consistency. I prefer a viscous mixture that gives good strong bubbles or trailing strands. Secondly the shape - I either blow bubbles or produce trailing strands. Finally a target is all important and this is frequently where inexperienced droolers fall down. Dribbling without a target results in soggy baby. This may be acceptable, or indeed the aim of the process, but books, clothes, siblings, are all good targets and can produce a very amusing reaction. Remember a good dribble will make you thirsty so demand a top up. Mmmmm, the top up. Milk time I think.

Good dribbling my colleagues in cute babyhood. Glug, glug, glug.

Tuesday, 22 April 2008

Bubble bottom

It has been a busy two days for me. Yesterday Mummy strapped me into the Seat of Doom and drove for hours to a funeral. This was fine. I was admired by all, fed twice during the service, and only complained when strapped into the Seat of Doom to return home.

Today was a more J centred day. Woke up and was fed, produced a wonderful nappy - this contained 3 days' poo and made my lower half look globular. I am now being called bubble bottom. Can't think why. Cool Auntie gave Mummy a present - some cinema vouchers - Odeon cinemas have a Newbies Screening where they turn the sound down and leave the lights up. This is a perfectly wonderful opportunity to persuade Mummy to feed you solidly for 2 1/2 hours. I filled up all 10 of my milk stomachs, topped off the posset apparatus and filled the drool tank. The cat didn't know what had hit it.

We then returned home and I ordered parents to play with me all afternoon. Knowing what is right and proper they complied.

Knackered now.......suckle, suckle, zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Sunday, 20 April 2008

My Diary 2.

Out of bed early but then went to sleep in Daddy's arms and snored. Loudly.

Mummy decided to walk to church with me in the sling and I managed to hold out until the sermon despite the second reading (1 Peter 2:2) making me very hungry. After the service I charmed a few people and ate then skilfully steered Mummy home again. This was very tiring work so I went to sleep on the way back. Mummy got us back OK; I really ought to give her more credit for knowing what she's doing.

I then napped through lunch. Thankfully it was waiting for me when I woke up. Embarked on an intensive exercise programme - stretches, crunches, gurgling, cooing and tried out my new door bouncer.

I then had a story, a few good feeds and finally asked to be put to bed.

Cave Baby's busy day

As told to Baby J by his Mummy.

Once upon a time, a very long time ago lived a baby. He, and his Mummy and Daddy, lived in a cave so he was known as Cave Baby.

One day Cave Daddy was going to go out hunting and Cave Mummy was going to go and gather some roots. It was April and wet and cold so Cave Mummy didn't fancy crawling around in the wet undergrowth trying to stalk things so she told Cave Daddy to go out and do this. Cave Baby had to decide who to go with. If he went out with Cave Daddy he would have the fun of sneaking around but no breast milk. If he went with Cave Mummy he would be able to eat although Cave Mummy did have a terrible habit of putting useful things, such as roots, into the sling along with Cave Baby. Cave Baby still chose to go out with Cave Mummy so she strapped on her sling and tucked Cave Baby in.

She set off from the cave. Trudge, trudge, trudge.
She walked through the stream. Sploosh, sploosh, sploosh.

She went into the forest to look for mushrooms. Whee! She found one and bent down to pick it up. Cave Baby nearly fell out of the sling. Cave Baby was feeling rather sling sick by the time that Cave Mummy had gathered enough mushrooms and had to be revived by a comforting feed.

Cave Mummy then decided to go into the marsh for roots and to the spruce tree for some needles to make Healthy Tea with.

She moved into the marsh. Sploosh, squelch, sploosh, squelch. Spots of mud were flying everywhere.

Cave Baby decided that now was a jolly good time to be asking to lie on his back and wave his arms and legs but Cave Mummy wouldn't put him down. He was not happy. Cave Mummy dug out some roots and put them in his sling. They were knobbly and wet. He was even less happy.

Cave Mummy started to walk out of the marsh. Sploosh, waa, squelch, sploosh, waa, squelch. Spots of mud were everywhere now.

Finally they were out of the marsh and by the pine tree. Cave Baby had a comforting suckle and then Cave Mummy picked the needles. Cave Baby was not amused - she put them in the sling and they were prickly.

Then Cave Baby steered Cave Mummy back home.

She walked through the stream. Sploosh, sploosh, sploosh.
She walked back to the cave. Trudge, trudge, trudge.

Cave Mummy took off the sling and emptied out the roots. Then she looked at Cave Baby; he was very muddy. She picked up his spare wrap and some grass for nappy lining and took him back to the stream. Trudge, trudge, trudge.

At the stream she undressed Cave Baby and put him in the water. It was very cold. Cave Mummy even washed his spare posset off. After the bath Cave Baby needed another feed. Cave Mummy dressed him in his nappy and put fresh grass into it. She put the pooey grass under a bush. It was nice to have new grass in his nappy but it was still a bit scratchy. She the put his other outfit on and took him back to the cave.

Once at the cave she put his clothes into the sun to let the mud dry and got on with preparing supper. She put the roots on to bake in the ember bit of the fire. Then Cave Daddy arrived back having caught a fine buck. Cave Mummy roasted a leg of this and served it with mushrooms. By this time Cave Baby's clothes were dry. Cave Mummy brushed the mud off and regreased the outside.

Then Cave Baby had his supper and they all went to bed.

Saturday, 19 April 2008

My diary 1.

As previously posted I had a bath today. I then went downstairs for a serious parent charming session. I mean I was freshly washed, baby lotioned, new clothes, flat hair, what parent could resist. Mine couldn't.

I spent some quality gym time then, despite the drizzle I went out for a carry in a sling. I expertly guided my Mummy down our favourite path past the horses, the rare breed sheep and the leek farm. The increasing precipitation was not entirely pleasant but the wind was worse.

On return I required a comforting feed and then had some tummy time (rats) and some bouncy harness time.

Bed at 8pm. I was knackered and almost suckled myself to sleep at 6pm but Mummy enjoys this so that was OK.

Bad hair day

I am Baby J and I'm having a bad hair day. Why? Because my mother brushed it. Four times. My quiff is destroyed.

I let her off easily today: she got to sleep through until 0545; although it then took four attempts to get me back to sleep as some of my milk stomachs were unfilled. She'd been muttering about a bath for a few days now but I didn't take her too seriously. This morning I was stripped, plucked from my nappy and taken into the bath. This was fine, I was able to practise my "kicky legs" and I managed to pee over the floor but then instead of leaving my hair to dry in a quiff she brushed it flat.

Viciously, unprovoked brushing flat.

If my profile pic seems a little smooth in the skull area I have hair, it's just flattened down.